“Nice protects the mood. Kind protects the mission.”
Every fundraiser knows those conversations that get avoided. The donor meeting where the ‘ask’ never gets made. The strategic mistake that goes ahead because we didn’t manage to speak up.
Paul McKenzie from Giant Steps calls this ‘being nice’ as opposed to ‘being kind’. And he reckons it’s costing you more than you think. In this refreshingly honest conversation, Paul unpacks why the bravest thing you can do is ask clearly, speak truly, and stop softening things because they feel awkward. He agrees it doesn’t always feel easy! And he shares things you can do to get yourself to speak up anyway, and the massive upside when you prioritise ‘kind’ over ‘nice’.
We’d love to know what you think – you can find us both on LinkedIn. And thank you for supporting our podcast by sharing it with colleagues or on social media.
Timestamps
Introduction & the core idea Rob introduces the episode and Paul McKenzie (fundraising consultant at Giant Steps, ex-Battersea Dogs and Cats Home, De Paul, Teenage Cancer Trust). (00:00:00)
The central idea is set out straight away: “nice” protects the mood, while “kind” protects the mission, and charities often default to nice at the expense of getting things done as well as possible.
Why the charity sector struggles with this (00:03:15)
Paul explains why “nice vs kind” is so prevalent among people who care deeply about others. He introduces the memorable “ham on your face” analogy: telling someone what they need to hear (kind) versus what feels comfortable in the moment (nice), and why the latter usually leads to a worse outcome.
How it plays out with performance and within organisations (00:06:56)
Two real examples: a staff member never told for three years that her performance wasn’t good enough (and what happened when she finally was), and a major organisational project that quietly derailed because department heads stayed “nice” instead of raising concerns. Paul extends this into meetings – the classic pattern of holding back your objection in the room, then complaining about it afterwards.
Building a culture of honesty (00:14:55)
Rob connects this to Daniel Coyle’s The Culture Code and to how a characteristic of high-performing teams is the nurturing of psychological safety. Paul talks about reframing “challenging conversations” so they don’t feel combative (using fundraising vs. marketing as an example), why in-person conversations beat email for resolving disagreement, and a technique for finding courage by refocusing on the cause (“what do the dogs and cats need”).
Turning this into a habit (00:21:01)
A practical exercise: write down the one thing you need to say to a key stakeholder. And actually say it. Paul argues that being the person willing to have the difficult conversation is a genuine career differentiator, especially in remote/hybrid work.
How this affects fundraising asks directly (00:23:20)
Paul shares a donor story: asking for £20k instead of £100k to avoid an awkward moment, only for the donor to later give £250k to a different charity who gave them a proper, honest ask. The lesson: “nice” steals donors’ ability to choose; “kind” gives them real options.
Practical next steps (00:26:55)
Paul’s advice on applying this to your next ask. Treating the donor as an adult and being honest about what’s needed and possible.
Closing thoughts & sign-off (00:28:26)
Paul recommends Step Up, Step Back by Elizabeth Johnson, talks about how kindness becomes easier with repetition (and a go-to phrase: “can I just challenge you on that?”), and Rob wraps up the episode.
Further Resources
Culture first – how one small charity made its fundraising so dynamic
Podcast episode: Be bold, take risks – why it pays off
Podcast episode: Influencing your colleagues with Paul Mckenzie
Stay in touch
To join our mailing list / get access to our newsletter, including to hear about our popular Breakfast Club for Fundraising Leaders, which happens every 3 months, follow this link.
Inspire your team with Bright Spot Training.
If you find these podcasts, Rob’s Breakfast Clubs or blogs helpful, imagine the difference it would make if your whole team spent a day learning Bright Spot fundraising techniques. We’re immensely proud of the way these bespoke team training days boost your team’s skill, mojo and results. To find out more, or request a chat to think it through, here’s the link: Team Training.
Want to transform your Corporate Partnerships or Major Donor fundraising?
To learn tried and tested techniques for growing corporate partnerships income, and get help in implementing them, check out our ever popular Corporate Partnerships Mastery Programme.
Or to grow your skills, confidence and results in Major Donor or Trusts fundraising, check out our flagship Major Gifts Mastery Programme, now in its eleventh year.
